5 January 2011

This Time



two and a half fucking years. I am older but not wiser. I am more bitter to the world and even more in awe with it. I have loved and lost and loved and lost again. I have tried to be a brother to my friends and a friend to my brother but not sure exactly if I have succeeded in either. I have moved from here to there and then even further down the road. I feel so distant from my starting point my base my heart and even further from my goal my dreams. To be the man I want/need to be I need to change, but I have been saying that for years and I am not sure yet if a change of postcode is good enough.

2011 is probably my make or break year. It's the first year I have a structure which can help me become what I want to be and there is great hope there. However it may also be my last chance for this and if I fuck it up what then for me. I had a phone call today where someone criticised me for always thinking of the factors to a decision and therefore rendering me unable to make one. Well I know the answer to this one. And yet it's 4am and I have done nothing to help me. Hopefully this is the moment, the statement of intent to drive myself forward.

2010 was a hard hard year for me. I am of 27 years of age but am really a boy making pretend. I feel a lot of us are like that but we all hide it so well.....most of the time. I watched a television show tonight, a comedy which a dark turn at the end where one of the main characters parents die and all he can say is "I am not ready for this yet". I cried. That was my 2010 summed up right there. With sadness and happiness colliding on a daily basis I wasn't ready for any of it but that's the joke none of us are are we.
For the people around me the people I care about most had to deal with crushing blows too and it is a level of helplessness that invades us no matter if it is us being affected or has the observer to one of life's random moments.

I'd like to thank the people that have stood behind me for the last few months and years. My mother and father, its not been easy and I know the are like me sometimes lost in the unknowing but when they are wise they are wise and when they don't know they are honest and that is all I can ever ask them for. To david, my dear dear friend. I thank you probably the most for the last year. We haven't seen each other or talked as much as we should have but my friend my brother you were there for me when I needed you and I wish I could have done the same for you and I hope in some small way I was. I truly love you man. To Lana, you have been my teacher both saintly and demonic and a place in my heart will always belong to you for what we have been through and I wish you the best future possible and beg of you never be afraid. To steven, you are my currently my worst friend and my best friend sir. You are a short tempered bastard and fucking underselling yourself, but if you weren't always on the end of the phone when I needed you whether I have asked you to be or not I'd be in a much worse place.

This is not a new year resolution post and shouldn't be interpreted as one. It comes more from conversations and experiences and dreams of the last 4days. I will use this site again to try and spur myself on hopefully with you my friends and family watching over me. And I will try and use it to prove I am worth your time and effort and it is now the time. I can't promise I am going to wake up early tomorrow morning but I will wake up.

I need a future. maybe I should have thought of that before I went to art school but I am here now let's see what happens.

Thank you all

Graham Neale